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Feb. 3rd, 2010 | 09:07 am
mood: sad

I don't want my old life back- hell no. I like being without Matt. I enjoy sleeping alone, eating what I want, not worrying about his stress and being constantly lectured to all the time. I am finding myself again. Slowly.
He is still like a festering sore on my back.Constantly hovering in my mind because we are not done with each other legally.We didn't have a kid together but I am entwined and bound to him for at least the next year and maybe more until the divorce is settled and filed away for good. It depresses me greatly to think about seeing him regularly in court in the upcoming months...with that self righteous smirk on his face no doubt.

Speaking of,he and his sister are having a field day smearing me on good old Twitter. Another reason to hate Twitter. They have been amusing themselves at my (and Todd's now) expense. I may be naive when I say this, but I never thought people could be so cruel.

Here is a sample of what Matthew is writing very recently about me:

"Does dating a man who feels he’s trapped in a woman’s body make you a lesbian...or just a really stupid bitch? Everyone I ask says “both”"

"Usually I'm against book burning, but watching the soon to be ex-wife's collection go up in flames was pretty cool."

"I tried to give her "vintage clothes" to Goodwill, but they didn't even want that crap. So I gave it all to a seemingly nice homeless man."

His sister writes:

"Your divorce could be a lot easier if she wasn't such a bitch."

"In chat w/ a Psych Prof pal about my bros soon 2 B ex-wife & even he said she sounds extra bi-polar and asked if she’s related 2 Hitler."

"Now that you're divorcing I can be honest. Your soon to be ex-wife is a total bitch."

The first one hurts a lot because someone I love dearly is being used for their sick amusement. I read those entries yesterday and cried and cried...I've never been hated so much by anyone...and for what?
I called Theo's dad yesterday and told him to have a talk with Theo. I do NOT want Theo to see Matthew at all right now. Matthew doesn't get to destroy me like this and get to have the pleasure of seeing my son. It doesn't work that way. Matthew and his family have turned extremely toxic and I do not want Theo subjected to any of it. Period.

Matthew asked me for a divorce back in October and had yet to serve me with dissolution papers. I got tired of waiting and filed and had him served yesterday. "Excellent, thanks." he said when he received the papers.
By the end of the week, I will serve him with more papers. Sigh. An ex parte restraining order; an order asking the court to stop him from disposing and destroying my property and to resume paying insurance for my health and automobile, both of which he has cancelled.
Tomorrow, a friend is taking me to my former home to get a civil police standby so I can grab some more clothes, books (what he hasn't "burned") and other things. I am still living on what would fit in a small suitcase.

It's all turned so needlessly ugly. I am constantly trying to figure out why Matthew is so intent on destroying me, but come up empty. It makes me very sad. Very sad.

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Jan. 9th, 2010 | 09:06 am

Here we are, in our separate living quarters. I am now living in my upstairs art room, with a mattress and comforter to warm me. My cat comes to visit in the night. It's too steep for the dogs; they stay downstairs with Matthew.
He locks his door, and I shut mine. Muffled conversations can be heard. The television stays off. The coffee pot is still always going.
He tries to make friendly conversation and I answer nicely enough, but only to be done. I don't want to talk.
Divorce papers,unpaid bills, new bills, and "friendly" advice about community property and retaining lawyers litter the table. I sift through it tiredly.
The house seems different. Certain pictures of me have been taken down and removed, shoved in book shelf spaces. Others, strangly enough, remain.
My money is almost gone. I can only afford to buy one thing at the moment: a desperately needed Statistics textbook for my january term class. I'm going back to work next Wednesday. They are eager to have me back.
I will see Theo on Monday. He's spending the night here, and I'll probably hang out with him in his room and talk for hours.
I'm being kicked out of my home in a week. I'm relieved to leave, but also very sad to leave this place.

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an update...of sorts.

Jan. 4th, 2010 | 04:11 pm

I am still in Copenhagen, where it is a veritable winter wonderland. I must say that this trip has been the most interesting, stressful, wonderful, weird time I have had in quite a while...all wrapped up into one amalgam.
I missed my flight on December 30th. Long story which I don't want to go over again in my head.
To get a flight back where I don't have to spend any additional money, I am flying home on January 8th. THAT whole situation has been a sorry state of affairs...but I am trying to be positive.
I had a hotel for the first week in Denmark, but since the 29th I have been sleeping on the floor of Todd's art gallery and taking a shower and eating real food elsewhere.
Here is the really bad part: before I left, Matt agreed to pay our bills while I was gone with some money from the stocks that we share. About 10 days later, he sends me an email, saying that he has changed his mind about paying the bills...any of them with my name, anyway- and has ALSO cancelled my car insurance, life insurance, health insurance,credit cards, and left me no money in our shared bank account.
The day that I arrive home in Seattle, he wants my things and myself, out of the house. He's basically kicking me out.
Before I left, he said he wanted to go about our divorce as a team effort, and be friends. He said he didn't want lawyers. 10 days later, he says he's changed his mind, he's retained a divorce attorney, doesn't want to be friends or even see me, and wants me out of his world as soon as possible.
It's a sad ending, isn't it?

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still away.

Dec. 28th, 2009 | 06:48 pm

I'm still in Denmark. Actually, it's next to my last night here and I'm getting myself ready emotionally to come back *home*. It's been good to get away from my home for almost 2 weeks and experience new sights, smells, feelings.
I really like Copenhagen...specifically, Vestebrogade. Interesting place.
I'm using Todd's work computer while he works, so time for a brief update, in not so many words because I am pretty tired:
Busses are very efficient and the passengers lively, especially after midnight.
I have eaten lots of little sandwiches, pate, pastries, and instant coffee most days.
It's fucking cold as hell here in the winter.
The designer furniture is over priced.
Did I mention the food is good?
Danish tv has foul language, nudity, and commercials for fireworks.
I want to learn more catchy Danish holiday songs I see on tv.
Copenhagen sells the best shoes.

that's all for now.

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Dec. 10th, 2009 | 09:26 pm

Life is good, and I mean that in a sincere way.
In Seattle, Matt and I are going ahead with the divorce as planned. We haven't filed papers yet; Matt will be working on those while I am in Denmark. There is no animosity, anger, or the shit that usually goes with it. We talk a lot. We still share a room. I will be moving upstairs to my art room soon, but I've been very ill with a cold and there is absolutely no heat upstairs to speak of. The upstairs will be my new digs when I get back, most definately.
It's been rough in spots, but for the most part Matt and I have the same friendship and interactions we had before things changed. I feel like our relationship has actually improved in unspoken ways...like all the subtle tension is gone. It's nice.
I'm broke as hell right now- that's probably my biggest issue at the moment.Paying for this coming semester: argh...$16,000 not including books. Aside from being freaking cold as hell. Whaddya want? I'm from California and not used to 17 degree weather.
I'm tired. I have to sleep.

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Dec. 7th, 2009 | 12:17 pm

I will be spending the holidays in Copenhagen and a night in Amsterdam. More details later.
I'll be over there for two weeks.

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Nov. 29th, 2009 | 03:20 pm

The driveway and surrounding streets are too icy for me to leave the house. I almost fell yesterday when I went out to my car to take a peek at the icy driveway and sidewalks.All the schools have been closed for 2 days now, the boy at home with his dad. I'm unable to drive there...the roads are too icy.
It's okay....I've been home since Monday, trying to repair my back that suddenly gave out on Monday. The last time this happened, it was 2001. What gives?
Besides studying, I have been baking and making homemade soup. Yesterday, I made a cream of cauliflower soup with cheddar cheese, potatoes, and leeks. Very tasty. I also made my homemade apple cake with cream cheese and brown sugar topping. After that is baked, it only lasts about a day in the house.
Many, many thanks for the invention of the heating pad.

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Nov. 10th, 2009 | 12:21 pm

I lost 2 whole study days this week. On Sunday, after a tearful conversation with Todd, and then yesterday I got hit with THE biggest migraine of my life. Those migraines are KILLERS. I was in so much pain and agony I couldn't even cry. Meds were no help.
I HAVE to take better care of myself right now. My sleep schedule has been completely messed up. Since Denmark is 9 hours ahead, I have been getting up in the middle of the night to converse with Todd and then sleep for another 2 hours and get up. I also have not been eating and have lost 10 pounds. I like losing weight but not that way. My emotions are all over the place and it's been difficult to concentrate on anything.
BUT. I am doing well in school despite it all. Amazing but true. And I survived having H1N1! Go me.
Todd will be here in 10 days...wow.

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Nov. 5th, 2009 | 04:01 pm

Last night, we ventured out to The Broadway Performance Hall in Seattle to see Crispin Hellion Glover present his slide show and his new movie that he wrote, starred in, and directed. He is a wonderful, freakish man and I adore him!!

The house was sold out, packed. The Q and A afterwards was interesting. The film itself was one of the weirdest things I have ever seen.

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Oct. 25th, 2009 | 03:04 pm

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting</a>

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